Swimming Wear Decisions for Women Who Hate Swimsuit Season

 If the words "It's swimsuit season" send you into a fugue state like a Vietnam War veteran hearing the sound of a helicopter, then the advice in this swimming wear article is for you.

You see the headlines on the magazines at the grocery store checkout lane: "Get Ready for Bikini Season," "10 Exercises to Get Swimsuit Ready," and "Swimsuit Makeovers for Every Body Type." You are confronted with these headlines as the checker is bagging your baguette for one, fried chicken from the deli counter, and your pint of mint chocolate chip - and not the low-fat kind.

First of all, let's dispel this myth: a bathing suit is not going to hide sagging triceps, dimpled thighs, or saggy knees. To do that, the Miracle Suit would have had to been birthed in Bethlehem. So let's just face the truth: a swimsuit can only do so much. Yes, it can help suck in your tummy or lift your but a little, but if the skin is exposed, there is nothing you can do... except expose less skin.

Yes, your answer for getting bikini ready is to swimming trunks find chic ways to cover up that bikini so that you will look like a starlet lounging in Palm Springs and not a covered-up religious zealot who just escaped the compound and encountered a "cement pond" for the first time. That's right. We are going to stage a cover-up like a cop involved in an unarmed shooting.

Cover-up decision #1: Oh, the sweet sarong. How I love thee. Let me count the ways. If you are someone who is bottom heavy, may have a little dimpling on the thighs, or have to carry a fire extinguisher in case a fire is started from your thighs rubbing together, you need to love the sarong. Get a long one so it covers most of your legs and offers only a hint of skin. If you must get in the water, you can snatch it away quickly before you dive in. When it is time to get out, have your kids do a huge cannonball at the other end of the pool to distract pool goers while you put on your sarong.

Cover-up decision #2: The oversized knit or crochet top can help cover up body issues you may have with the upper half of your body. Buddha belly - covered up. Swinging chicken wing triceps - covered up. Saggy boobs - covered up. This is a great cover-up option for swimming wear because, again, it offers a little hint of skin. You'll still be cool because of all the holes in the knitwear. The bottom half of your body is slim, so why cover that up?

Cover-up decision #3: Overalls. That's right, baby! We are bringing the farm down to the beach and making it straight-up cornfields at the shores. Get a pair of baggy overalls, cuff up the pants legs, and throw on some sandals. You'll look cute, and no one will know that you are really trying to cover that huge "donkey" that is following you. The downside of this strategy is that you will now be overlooked by any rap video casting agents also vacationing at the beach.

Those are your three swimming wear decisions to make. Will you do the sarong, the crochet top, or the overalls? From now on, when you hear "Are you bikini ready?" you will know that means to grab both the cookie dough and mint chocolate chip ice cream because you have your swimming wear decisions covered.